The legend that is Stassi Schroeder has been missed by the hordes of Bravo fans. I am not ignorant as to why she was dismissed from the network. She made a major error in judgment and needed to atone. During her reign as the Queen of Mean on Vanderpump Rules, Stassi had many costars quaking in their boots. I will admit I have always had a love/hate relationship with Stassi. Loved her wit, humor, and unapologetic spoiled brat side, which made great TV and gave us so many iconic moments.
However, I didn’t always enjoy the petty insults and low-blow comments. But growing up, getting married, and having children looks good on the former reality TV star. And while it would have been nice to see her theoretically beat Tom Sandoval into submission or give Scheana Shay a side eye on VPR, at this point, I’d settle for her on The Valley.
Stassi has served her time
Now, I know all is not fair in reality TV, but I don’t understand how Jax Taylor and Kristen Doute were brought back with open arms and not Stassi. To clarify, I do think that Stassi was approached with an offer, and she most likely said no. But I can’t help but wonder if the network just took too long to convince Stassi. The mother of two has noted more than once that she wouldn’t do reality TV again unless she’s producing it as well. And even though the new series did extremely well, I can’t help but wonder how much better it would have done with oneliners like “My mom always told me that I’m the descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try to act like one.”
Janet vs. Stassi
Very quickly, The Valley fans learned that Janet Caperna was the new mean girl in the neighborhood. Most of her co-stars claimed they were afraid to confront her due to her pregnancy. Stassi, however, wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. Stassi also wouldn’t have been caught dead with those streaks, but I digress. If the two women were on the same season, I could foretell quite the rumble. While Janet fancies herself as the new Stassi, the OG would have more than one trick up her sleeve for the rookie. I can also hear Stassi repeating a Lisa Vanderpump quote, “You’re not important enough to hate. Sit down,” as a way to end a fight.
Stassi can whip Jax into shape
Stassi probably knows Jax better than anyone, including Brittany Cartwright. Even when they were together Stassi really knew how his mind works. For some unknown reason, Jax respects and listens to Stassi. It could be that he liked how Stassi would take control of a situation. Jax only realized how much he cared about her after he lost her. If Stassi was around for his marital issues she would undoubtedly put him in his place.
The author would waste no time in telling Jax what a fool he is to be treating his wife the way he does. Stassi would have receipts, proof, timelines, and graphs to drive her point home. Jax would have no other option than to confront his faults. And the best part is Bravo cameras would be there to capture it all. Stassi can even help Kentucky Muffin gain back a bit of confidence while she is at it.
Get the band back together
I’d like nothing more than to see at least two-thirds of the Witches of WeHo reunite. And what better place to do this than with Kristen and Stassi on The Valley? Now, I am aware that forging a new, renewed friendship could be tricky, mainly because Stassi never got over the betrayal. There is no doubt that Kristen is great for TV; she just had zero boundaries when it came to her friends’ relationships.
If nothing else, we need Stassi back for her Grade A snark. And while I know I won’t be getting the painfully millennial version of Stassi, which included her corporate club wear, aggressive use of statement necklaces, overly bleached hair, and hand-on-hip poses, I would be okay with a grown-up version of Stassi on The Valley. Frankly, she would have all the men whipped into shape by the second episode.
